On Many Subjects

Okay, so I moved into my new apartment on Saturday and the Internet was supposed to be turned on by the time I got there. Guess what? No Internet. I called the Cable Company to tell them that I had no signal, which meant no Internet and no TV and they said they would send the guy over on Monday. I spent my lunch break with Cable Guy. He shows up and I SWEAR his butt crack was showing as he bent over to investigate the problem to my cable. Every time he bent over, I saw more than I wanted to. But, he did fix the cable. Sidebar: Showing one's butt crack is probably the least classy thing there is. Or so I thought. Then, this: Cable Guy: I am going to give you my card. Call me if you have any problems. Me: I thought I had to call the cable company, first. CG: No. You can call me for anything. Me:..... CG: I mean, if you need a man for anything, at all. I don;t have a girlfriend right now. Me: What makes you think I need a man? CG: I'm just saying. Me: Thank you. CG: I mean it. You...

I am so neglecting my blog. But, I had a new grandson, had to write a 40 page paper for school, and I am getting ready to move in two weeks. Give me a freaking break, will ya?

CoWorker: OHMYGOD! THERE IS A HUGE SPIDER ON MY CHAIR. Me: A WHAT? CW: A spider. A HUGE spider. Me: I am not coming into your office for any reason until you get rid of your cheesy visitor. CW: I need to use your phone so I can call a man. Me: Who would that be? CW: Pete is closet. She makes the call and summons the man. Pete: What's up? CW: A spider in my chair. Pete: What? You hire a new employee? CW: Very funny. Kill it. Pete: He is hairy. Me: It is confirmed. It IS my ex-husand. Pete: So, do you mind if I kick his ass? Me: Not at all. A moment of silence, then: CW: OHMYGOD! He squished it. Pete: I thought that's what you wanted. CW: But, I have spider guts on my chair. Pete: Well, get a paper towel and clean it off. CW: No way! I am not touching that. Pete leaves and returns with a paper towel. Pete: Ok. Your chair is clean. CW: Thank you. Me: My hero! They will make a comic book series based on you. Pete: They already did. It is called Spider Man.

I know it is totally politically correct to be organic these days. Just go to the grocery store and you can find organic fruits and veggies and even organic milk produced by organic cows. No chemicals allowed. Keepin gthat in mind, can some PLEASE explain to me what an organic dry cleaners is all about? I thought dry cleaning clothes was all about using chemicals, harsh harmful chemicals. Speaking of veggies: (This from a phone conversation) What does Chuck Norris eat when he wants a salad? A vegetarian. Sidebar to Mom: That is yet another silly senseless Chuck Norris joke that seems to be everywhere these days. They are specifically designed to portray Chuck Norris as a real man's man, bigger, stronger, faster. It is rumored that Superman wears Chuck Norris Underoos. And in Fantasy Football, my league's draft was cancelled last night and rescheduled for today. So, I don't yet know who is on my fantasy football's famtasy dream-team. Already people are getting...

I have down-graded to basic cable on my TV, going from Hi-Def and 9 million channels to just 70 channels. When I had access to everything, I watched TV maybe 2-3 hours a week and it just seemed to be very expensive to continue to pay $80 bucks a month for that. So, I removed the DVR, and radically reduced the number of available channels. Now, all I want to do is watch TV. There has to be something deep and psychological going on, but I probably don't want to know what it is.

Watching my granddaughter grow up is fascinating, to say the least. More than that, I am enjoying watching my child be a parent. The rules are different now. Children are taught things now that were never taught when I was a child. Things I never taught my children. Children were not considered the center of my world. We didn't have play dates for the children because we assumed they would learn social skills in school. There were no entrance exams for kindergraten. We just enrolled the kids and they started. We assumed the teachers would teach them things like math and fair play. No one had ADD or ADHD. I raised my children in the old way. That meant the men were out hunting or foraging while we women produced the children in a sterile environment. Child birth was neat and clean. The men saw the baby after the nurses had a go at it and cleaned it up, polished it and made it all neat and shiny. Most men thought babies were born with either a pink blanket or a blue one. That was how...

Talking to one of my kids on the phone: Me: You know there was a time when there was no kitty litter. Everyone had to use shredded up newspaper in a carboard box. No fancy plastic kitty litter boxes, either. Tin foil wrapped over a box. And shredded newspaper. Kid: Wow. And I bet you had to walk to school in ten feet of snow. Uphill. Both ways. Me: Actually, I grew up in Florida. Only five feet of snow... and hurricanes. I had to walk to school during hurricanes in ten feet of raging water. Kid: Uphill? Me: Yeah. Both ways. You should try that. Walking uphill when there is a torrent coming down the hill. Kid: What's that got to do with kitty litter? I told you I needed to buy kitty litter and you start telling me about the good old days. Me: It was the ultimate in recycling. People got rid of old newspapers at the same time as they filled their litter box. That was before kitty litter was invented. Kid: I think kitty litter was discovered, not invented. Me: ...

I found it here.

Today, I received a special iunvitation to attend a dinner some students were presenting. The Big Boss came to my office and asked if I wanted to go to lunch and I said yes, of course. In the formal dining room, the students were showing off their cooking ability, their presentation ability, their ice sculpture ability and their table service ability. I was seated with another student named Chris and the Large Boss. We chatted amiably during the meal while we watched very nervous servers try to fill the water glass without spilling. The instructor was watching every move, of course. After I returned to my office, my CoWorker asked me about the event. CW: How was it? Me: Very nice. I have a spring roll with a sweet chili sauce and beef with more spicy chili sauce. CW: Sounds good. How did it taste? Me: I don't know. After the first bite, my taste buds were permanently burned out of my mouth from the sweet chili sauce.

College Admission's Representative: You know it is a tragedy when a student drops. I mean that student is loosing out on the greatest opportunity of their life. They are loosing out on a chance to totally better themselves. So, a student drops and I get an email from you with an exclamation point on it. It is tragic when a student drops. It is not an exclamation point moment. Me: OK. I understand, now. AR: No more exclamation points on emails when a student drops. That is a new rule. Add a sad smiley or something. Just no more exclamation points. Me: I told you, I understand. It is a sad, sad day when a student drops because you loose your commission. AR: That's right. Like I said. It is not an exclamation point moment.

A big part of starting college is taking a giant step into adulthood. It is putting away childish ideas and notions and learning to fin for ones self. Students who are right out of high school find this process very daunting and they often bring their poarents with them to this first giant step, lest they falter and fall on their pouty little faces. This is not bad because most of the time, the parents have to sign for loans or make arrangements for other financing. Any student over 24 is considered independent and able to stand on their own two feet. Which brings me to my rant. I had a guest yesterday who came to the office to make arrangments for his financial aid. He came by him self, which is a step in the right direction. He was too old to have his parents sign for anything anyway, meaning he was over twenty-four. So, the first thing he did was ask for a cup of coffee because, bad finanacial aid lady that I am, I MADE him get up early to come to the office to sign papers. ...

Filed under the category of "The Odder By-ways of the American English Language": I know, right? has become the new catch-all phrase if someone agrees with something. A friend may say to you, "That dress you are wearing is the most hideously ugly thing on this planet," and it has become fashionable to respond with, "I know, right?" or "Zombies will eat your face," "I know, right?" This phrase has moved into suprising circles. A college professor at the school where I work was caught (by mne) saying that very thing. Professor 1: It is going to rain today. Professor 2: I know, right? Me: It is raining already. Professors 1 & 2: I know, right? These are the same people who taught their students that using a double negative in a sentence was wrong. "It is never not going to rain," means the same thing as "It is going to rain." These are the same people who taught their students that using two positives in a ...

The Culinary Institute has a standard dress code. If the students are in the kitchen, they wear Chef's clothes: The black and white tweedy pants, the chef's jumper, a snood for their heads. (They get the chef's hat when they graduate.) They have inspections daily, checking for clean wrinkle-free uniforms, clean fingernails, clean black shoes. If they are in an acedemic class, the men wear black pants, white shirt and tie. The women wear black dress pants and a white blouse. It is a very neat school from a dress code point of view. All that so I can tell you about a girl who came in to sign up for classes. She had on a sundress that was VERY low cut and no bra and lots and lots of cleavage. I mean, she was practically naked from the waist up. I began helping her fill out her papers and was continally hit in the eye by this girl's rather well-endowed chest. Now, I don't normally go around looking at girl's boobs, but really. They were so out there. I would glance ...

Ever have one of those days where an old flame calls you on the phone after you haven't heard anything from him in two years or more and he chats about this and that, inquiring about your job, your love life, your family? You know, "How's your mom and dad doing? Where are your kids? You still in school? How is your cat?" Oh Hell, NO! he did not play the cat card. Asking about my cat is supposed to soften me up for the kill. Then, this happened: Him: So, you have your own place? Me: Yes. It is in Virginia, not Florida. Him: Virginia is nice. I drove through there a last weekend. Me: Going where? Him: I was visiting DC. I would like to live near DC. Me: I don't live near DC. It is like 4 hours or maybe 10 hours away. Him: So, you have a pull-out sofa? Me: No. I have a futon. HIm: That's OK. Futons are nice to sleep on. Me: Wait a cotton-pickin' minute. What are you asking? Him: Well, I need a place to stay for a while. Me: Why? What is wrong with your place?...

I get to strike out on my own, gently guiding over-eager youngsters into financial ruin. We use words like 35 THOUSAND DOLLARS and they reply with, "Like, how many iPods is that?" Then, we have to resuscitate the parents who have just fallen on the floor, eyes glazed over and salivating while mumbling to themselves, "My first house didn't cost that much." I call the school nurse, "We need oxygen in here." Then, the threats start. Mom or Dad begin by saying to the new student, "If you make anything less than an A on everything, I will repossess your freaking braces... retroactively." Ouch! Well, you really don't need your teeth to cook, I supposed, but knocking the kid's teeth out will ruin their chances to star on Top Chef or the Next Food Channel Star, or something. That's what they all want: A chance to shove Rachel Ray off the pedestal. So, they sign up for culinary school and discover that they have to work at it beca...

My new job is interesting, to say the least. Very interesting characters here. Last Monday, upon seeing my iPod Shuffle earbuds in my ears as I walked into work, the Student Director, a very British Chef asks: BC: Are you enjoying your rock music. Me: It's not rock. BC: Who then? Me: Vivaldi BC: Summer? Me: Spring. Tuesday: BC: Vivaldi? Me: Dvorak BC: Slavonic Dances? Me: Carnival Overture Wednesday: BC: Who? Me: Prokofiev BC: Peter and the Wolf? Me: Romeo and Juliet Thursday: BC: More Romeo and Juliet? Me: Copeland. BC: Hoedown? Me: Appalachian Spring I didn't see him on Friday, however, this Monday: BC: Who today? Me: Back to Prokofiev BC: More Romeo and Juliet Me: Of course Tuesday: BC: Prokofiev? Me: Saint Saens BC: Oh dear, Danse Macabre? Me: Organ Symphony Wednesday: BC: Prokofiev? Vivaldi? Me: Queen BC: Bohemian Rhapsody? Me: Princes of the Universe BC: I KNEW you liked rock music. ME: But, it Classic Rock BC: So it is. There is hope for you.

I don't sit around my apartment for hours on end trying to think up ways to make money, but every now and then an idea hits me that is absolutely brilliant. To wit: I am thinking of starting an escort service. NO! Not THAT kind of escort service, you know where you pay some drop dead gorgeous person of the opposite sex to hang out with you to impress others, like ex-spouses or ex-lovers or your current boss. I am talking about a service that accompanies your kids on their dates. Let me clarify. You would, in essence, as a devoted parent, pay a person to watch/chaperone or otherwise spy on your kids while they are on their date. RATES: $20 an hour -- follow from a discreet distance $25 an hour -- follow from a discreet distance and take pictures with a camera phone $30 an hour -- act like a long lost relative, interupt the date during dinner and hang out with them for the rest of the eveing. $35 an hour -- while acting like a relative, spill something awful on the girl's cl...

My mother, my ex-husband and me agree on the same thing at the same time.

My new job is going well. It is so nice to be in a place where your employers really want you to be there. The service performed is invaluable to the school: Helping students arrange for financing so they can pursue their dreams of landing a job on the Food Network. I am getting my own office this week. I have seen it. It is shiny and new and never been used. I am already breaking in a brand new, never before used computer. Also, my deskin my new office is right under a sky-light. It will be Friday before it is wired in so I can move there. (Jumping up and down and clapping my hands: Oh goody, goody, goody!) The novel I have written is nearly ready to go to a publisher. Never give up! What a cool way to make money. Working in a culinary institute will prove interesting because most of the instructors are CHEFS... oh, the possibilities. Heard from a friend(?) who says that he doesn't want anyone to know that I know him, referring to his on-line presence on Facebook and MySpace. OK. ...

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. My mother would make me remake the bed after I did it because there was wrinkle in the spread or the blanket was on crooked. I slept in an unmade last night and survived. I even slept well. And No, I didn't start a blog just to make my mom cry. But, some lessons don't go away. I made my bed this morning.

The Virginia Pilot recently enacted some new laws and removed some old ones from the law books. There are still some on the books, that are, well, funny AND weird! For example: In many counties, no one may be a professional fortuneteller, and if one wishes to pursue the practice as an amateur, it must be practiced in a school or church. (I guess having faith isn't enough) You may not engage in business on Sundays, with the exception of almost every industry. (Which ones are NOT included?) If one is not married, it is illegal for one to have sexual relations. (That is valuable information.) No animal may be hunted on Sundays with the exception of raccoons, which may be hunted until 2 a.m. (What have they got against racoons?) I am just getting started, here: No person may keep a skunk as a pet. (Good!) It is illegal to cuss about another. (Not too many people on the interstate or in front of my apartment listen to that one.) It is illegal to park a car on railroad tracks. (I glad th...

I have been grossly neglecting my blog because I have been on a massive job search. Having found the new job, I am ready to get back to the serious business of humor blogging. While looking for a new job--what an eye-opening experience that was, I discovered many things, such as what THEY say in their ads and what THEY are really looking for. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. WORK IN A YOUNG INDUSTRY: You'll be the oldest person there and your supervisor will be at about 16. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone...

Miss M (2 years old): Norman! Norman: Don't call me Norman. I have a title. It's Daddy Miss M: Daddy! Norman: That's right. Daddy. Miss M: Okay, fine, Daddy.

We all get older. I recently had a birthday and I took some time tio reflect on my life. I created a list that every woman should have by the time she is 35. This list applies if you are 22 or 75 or 54 (just like Oprah, John Travolta and me. Some of the things on this list were borrowed from Glamour magazine. 1 One old boyfriend who reminds you of how far you’ve come. 2 A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. 3 The knowledge of how to entertain unexpected guests and a house clean enough that you won't be embarassed when someone does drop by unexpectedly, but no so clean you make your guests uncomfortable. 4 A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. 5 A youth you’re content to move beyond. 6 A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. 7 The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it. 8 An e-mail address, a voice mailb...

I stole this photo from Don Lewis, a REAL Scientist . Here is proof that Global Warming exists and is not just a story we tell to scare the children into good behavior.

I am a writer and a wordsmith. I thoroughly enjoy the fun of language, with its play on words, double meanings and things like that. One of the best examples of linguistic humor is from Calvin and Hobbes. In fact, we don't even need the added fun of the characters with Calvin the six year old with the shoes that look like dinner-rolls and Hobbes, the not-very-ferocious (stuffed) tiger for this to be funny- Calvin: I like to verb words. Hobbes: What? Calvin: I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now, it's something you do. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language. Hobbes: Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding. Same thing happened to Google. Google was a thing, now we all Google. Calvin is right. Our language is getting weird. And I am responsible for verbing lots of words, myself. Like crayon, TV, and Calvin. To wit: I will crayon that picture. I am going home to TV for the rest ...

How can anyone be funny when they are facing being laid off, eviction, breaking up with their boyfriend and ultimate starvation. Granted, the starvation part may take a little time simply because I have put on weight recently and now closely resemble a... hmmmm... I was going to say whale, but maybe walrus is a better term. At any rate, I went to the beach (actually the shores of Chesapeake Bay) and overheard the following conversation between a Jamaican lady and her two children. Oldest child (about age 8): Can I cover my brother with sand? Mom: No. So, the little 3 year old remained un-buried. I was happy about that on many levels.

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. ‘Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,’ she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’ A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.. Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’ NOW I ASK YOU - IS TH...

Him: At the Gloucester City Council meeting, last night a guy got up and said, "I don't know why anyone would want to live in New Jersey. Me: Why did he say that? Him: He was talking about crime, education, everything else. And do you know who he was? Me: Tell me. I am breathless with anticipation. Him: The Mayor. Me: ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) Him: I am serious. The Mayor said that. Me: That is why it is funny.

My visit to the office was two-fold. Of course, I had to pay the monthly vig to the apartment complex owners, but I also went there to complain about my window screens. OK. To be more accurate, to complain because I have NO window screens on my windows. This is not a new problem. I have had no window screens since I moved in 'way back in July. Me: I still don't have screens on my windows. Apartment Complex Manager: I will fill out a work order. Me: You have filled out a work order for window screens every month since July. That is the month I moved in, you know. ACM: Well, this time we will get it fixed. Me: You said that last month. ACM: I really mean it, this time. Me: Of course you do. ACM: See? I am filling out the work order now. Me: Which you will throw in the trash as soon as I walk out of the room. ACM: We don't throw them away. ME: Whatever. Listen, it is not for me that I want screens on my windows. It is for the environment. ACM: Excuse me? Me: I want to do my pa...

Filed under the classification of sometimes-a-kid-just-has-to-talk-to-their-mommy: I get a call from my #1 daughter. #1: So, you are still in Virginia? Me: Yep. #1: When are you coming back to Florida? Me: To visit? #1: No, NOT to visit. To Live. Me: I dunno... why? #1: Then we could hang out together. Me: Yes, we could. #1: I miss that, you know. Me: I miss hanging out with you, too. #1: I want you to move back to Florida Me: Why? #1: I have a toothache Me: And what am I supposed to do about it. #1: Well, I don't know. Me: Did you call a dentist? #1: I went to see a dentist. He gave me a bunch of pain killers and told me my wisdom tooth is impacted and it has to come out. Me: I can see why you tooth hurts, then... #1: No. It doesn't really hurt, yet, but it will when the dentist pulls it and I have a great big hole in my mouth. Me: So you called me because you anticipate a toothache? #1: Yes. Me: Whoever thought that parenting adult children would be easy. #1: So, can you move...

Something is wrong with my brain. I have been reading blogs for over an hour to find something funny to write about and nothing is out there that even made me crack a tiny smile. AND you may have notived a gross lack of new post lately. I have a lot on my mind... Okay, I will just go with it. Right now, KayFour will write a boring blog about nothing in particular. And even if every on Opera chimes in and tells me my blog is boring, well that is Okay, too. I can handle the criticism. Truth is, life got really big all of a sudden. I am like, "Why does this always happen to me?" There has to be something cosmic involved. Anyway, as I was saying, my life suddenly got much bigger. I am looking for another job, I am looking for another apartment, I am looking for... well a lot of things that will improve my life. I am looking to acquire a TV stand, a coffee table, real bookshelves, navy blue bedroom curtains, navy blue dust ruffle... okay maybe I will move and then buy n...

When something goes totally right in your life, do you ever pump your arm at the sunset and then freeze like Judd Nelson in the final scene of The Breakfast Club ? Me, neither.

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It all began last week when Digitaljon and I had a disagreement, a bit of a row, a quarrel, or whatever term you choose to use to describe a suddenly escalating situation that got totally out of hand because of misunderstanding, feelings of abandonment, and the hole in the ozone layer. We were FINISHED, I tell you. He was not coming home and I was totally shattered... for three days, which is apparently a universal limit of some kind becuase everything always seems better after three days. Anyway, the gossip-mill was in full swing. I talked to my son about what happened and he gave me some pretty good and sound advice, which I appreciate. Then he mentioned it to someone, who mentioned it to someone else... and well you get the picture. Before the weekend was over, every member of my family was aware of the situation. The funny thing is, Digitaljon and I talked about it and discussed it and essentially "made-up" and were happy as clams. I got a phone call from #1 daughter...

I found this when I was Stumbling instead of working:

Something weird is happening at work. The phone rings, I pick it up with my normal cheerful speil designed to get people to respond and I heard nothing. So, I repeat myself. Me: Good Morning! This is SUPER HIGH TECH WEB DESIGN COMPANY. How can I help you? Caller:..... Me: Good Morning! This is SUPER HIGH TECH WEB DESIGN COMPANY. How can I help you? Caller:..... Then, I hang up after listening to a protracted silence because nobody says anything. I know the phones are working because get plenty of calls from people who actually say stuff, but this is ridiculous. At least 8 or 10 times every day I get a call from NOTHING. Coworker #3: No one is on the phone. What's up with that? Me: I dunno. I happens a lot. C3: Maybe it is a wrong number. Me: 10 times a day? C3: Maybe they have a bad connection Me: 10 times a day? C3: Maybe it is aliens who are trying to make first contact. Me: Oh, yeah, right. If I were an alien trying to make first contact with the human race,...

Me: I am not going to work today. Digitaljon: Why not? Me: I don't want to. DJ: That's it? Me: Yes. That's it. I am not going to work today. DJ: Ok Me: I really mean it. DJ: Ok ME: I am not kidding. DJ: I didn't think you were. Me: I am totally staying home, today. DJ: You said that. Me: I know I have said this before and went to work anyway, but I really mean it today. DJ: I know you do. Me: No. I REALLY REALLY mean it. DJ: All right. Me: I am very serious. DJ: I would be surprised if you weren't Me: I am not going and that is final! DJ: Ok. Me: Final! I am not going to work! DJ: Where are you going now? Me: I need to take a shower because I have to get ready for work. DJ: You are making me crazy.

I have sooooo neglected my blog for the past week. Anyway, here goes: Things I feel I should be doing more actively after reading this month’s O Magazine . *Figuring out what I’d do if I only had five years to live. *Doing what comes naturally, reflexively, effortlessly *Switching to Yves meatless taco stuffers *Figuring out what I’d do if money weren’t an obstacle. *Pretending that I am smart enough not to be distracted by the Grecian tragedy unfolding for the Spears family. *Figuring out what my regrets would be if I died tomorrow. *Designing my life to bring me joy. *Meditating on compassion. *Relaxing. Stolen directly from MightyGirl

I have a new household gadget that is impossible to live without: an iRobot Roomba. It is a cute little machine that merrily cruises around, vacuuming the carpets, the floors and rugs. It is about twelve inches in diameter and is about 3 inches tall. Not very impressive in its size as a cleaner droid, but it IS very imnpressive in its abilities. If it finds a spots it deems as particularly dirty, it will travel in a circle right over the spot until it is cleaned. Then, it sings a quiet little victory song. It's cleaning pattern is seemingly random until you really watch the little guy to see what he is doing. He criss-crosses the room until every inch of carpet is cleaned. This process takes about 45 minutes. When he begins to get low on energy, he will go back to his home base to recharge. Nearly every day, Digitaljon turns the little bot loose to allow him to go into his routine of systematically removing the cat hair that seems to accumulate in huge piles over night. Before I te...

The historic triangle in Virginia proved to be the stomping ground for my vacation travels with my Mom and Dad and Digitaljon, The Divine Miss M and her Mom and Dad. The whole gang trudged up and down historic avenues, taking pictures, oooing and ahhhhing. Yes, most of us owned digital cameras, but everyone invariably forgot to bring them. So, the tourist photography was done with camera phones. I believe this is the wave of the future. Me: Ok, everyone line up so I can get a picture. Stranger: But that is a phone, not a camera. Me: I know. S: You can't get a decent tourist shot with a camera phone. Me: But, it's all I have with me. S: You look utterly ridiculous. Me: Hey, would you mind taking a photo of all of us? You just point the camera phone and press that button. S: Certainly! Whole Gang: CHEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSE! S: Dammit. I only took a photo of my thumb. Me: That's the danger of owning a camera phone. S: Let's all try this again. Whole Gang: CHEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSE...

Here’s a few reasons why guys like girls… I didn’t write this… just found it years ago and thought it was worth holding on to even though I am a girl. (DUH!) 1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo 2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder 3. How cute they look when they sleep 4. The ease in which they fit into our arms 5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world 6. How cute they are when they eat 7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while 8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side 9. The way they look good no matter what they wear 10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful thing on this earth 11. How cute they are when they argue 12. The way her hand always finds yours 13. The way they smile 14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight 15. The way...

I Stumbled(upon) across this today and I have to admit, it is one of the funniest things I have read, today, I don't know if it is true, but it certainly is humorous. This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best web mail-award-winning letter. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’...

I get really passionate about some things and then I have to spend a few minutes discussing it here in blog-ville. I have a very important job where I work... I do Search Engine Optimization, which means I get to write articles and I get to blog at work. So very cool. Every now and then, in between blogging about steel building construction, and water fowl on the Outer Banks, I can slip in my own blog where I can have some FUN. Well, not this week because I was too busy for that sort of trivial nonsense. But, I digress. Also part of my job is answering the phone. I wasn't hired as a receptionist/gatekeeper. I feel into the job because of my charming personality, my ability to make GOOD coffee, (I think the guys at work screw it up on purpose so I will continue to make fabulous coffee. Did I mention I am the only girl there?) and the fact that I have a charming phone voice, and excellent social skills. Being a SUPER HIGH TECH WEB DESIGN company that designs websites for the r...

Listening to Danse Macabre in G Minor, Op. 40 by Camille Saint-Saëns performed by the CSR Symphony Orchestra (Bratislava), Keith Clark, conducting while reading the morning COMICS .

I can't believe I missed this: Roy Scheider died last week . Since he was on the top five five actors EVER list, I guess that means that all the other actors just moved up a notch. Although I would not suggest waiting around for someone to die as a way to improve your acting skills.

One of the most embarassing moments of my life happened when my b/f told me that I fart in my sleep. He told me it pisses him off when I do it. My first thought was, "Am I farting so loudly that I wake him up?" My second thought was, "It's a really good thing that he doesn't live with me." My third thought, "I will never ask him to stay over night again because I won't sleep worrying about whether or not I fart." My fourth thought, "Oh yeah, big boy? Well, You drool AND snore. You think I enjoy your slobber all over my shoulder when we aren't having sex? You think I enjoy the sound of a train rollling through my bedroom every time you take a breath? You think I enjoy having to pulll the drapes out of your nose every morning? What's a little fart compared to that?" To which he answered, "Farts stink." Me: So does drool AND snoring. Him: You talk in your sleep. Me: What do I say? Him: It is not really clea...

Every now and then I run across something that makes me laugh out loud. An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, "Hey, where'd you get the great looking bike?" The first engineer replied, "Well, I was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said 'Take ANYTHING you want!!!'" The second engineer replied, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit, anyway!" I stole this from HERE.

Overheard in Starbucks: Starbucks Guy: What's your name? Customer: Craig SG: Greg? C: Craig SG: Jeff? C: Craig. CRAIG! C-R-A-I-G SG: Oh. One of those names with all the vowels. C: I keep fogetting to use Jim SG: You should. A name just for coffee. C: A coffee name? SG: Yes. C: What happens if I forget my coffee name when you get my coffee ready? SG: We will keep calling out your name until you answer. C: But, it won't be my name. SG: Yes, it will. It will be your coffee name. C: Just give me my coffee. SG: Ok. I put Jim on the cup. C: But, my name is Craig. SG: Not today. Me (to customer behind me): What's he going to do when I tell him my name is Sheila C: Your name is Sheila? Me: No, but I am going to tell him it is. C: Why? Me: I want to know what my coffee name is and if I give him a name with a lot of vowels, he will tell me. SG (to me): What can I get for you? Me: Cafe Latte Grande SG: OK. And your name? Me: Sheila SG: Oh no, not again. Me: What's wrong? SG: Vowel...

When I was much younger, say around 11, I had a distinct idea of what adulthood would be like. I had a whole list of things I would be able to do as an adult that were forbidden me as a child. Ferinstance: Drink Coffee : At some point in my tender young life, it occurred to me that adults drink coffee all the time. I never realized my parents refusing to allow me this decadent luxury was the result of them not wanting me to get hyper and bounce off the walls all day long. My paternal units preferred quiet serenity. Once I was allowed to drink coffee, which happened sometime around high school graduation, I was hopelessly addicted and a slave ever since. OK. The coffee thing DID turn out as I expected. Become a Nurse : What better way to tie down a Doctor Meal Ticket? Marry a Doctor : If you marry a doctor, you will never have to worry about money. You will be taken care of. I didn't marry a doctor because very early in my attempt to become a nurse, I realized that I lack the compas...

The worse sound has to be the sound when two cars crunch together. I had an opportunity to experience that yesterday when I became a car sandwich. I know this is a terrible sound after being in a couple of minor wrecks years ago. Yesterday's wreck on Interstate 64 East Bound was the WORSE wreck I had ever been in. The girl hit me from behind and pushed me into the car in front of me. A double whammy. She hit my car hard enough to push it 75 feet from a stopped position and into the next car. Needless to say, my new car is a total loss. Crap! Now I have to buy a new new car. No one was injured, but I still have a wicked headache this morning and the insurance people to me to go to the doctor... and my knee hurts, probably from pushing on the brakes too hard. As a testimonial to how well made my Honda was, after being smacked in the rear and then pushed into the car in front hard enough to break the battery, crack the radiator, damage the transmission, and bend the frame, the car was...

It's a DOG, not an accessory.

I am working on re-decorating my apartment, using the same old crap I have been lugging from place to place since 2001. So how do you turn an apartment into something aesthetically pleasing to ones self and to visitors who happen to drop in, either announced or unannouced, like the guy next door who knocks to periodically check to see if I have found all my electrical outlets. He is an electrician named Vincent. What, you say, in shocked incredulity. I know. I did, too. Electricians are named Hank, or Guy, or Jim, but never, oh, never Vincent. I digress. At least my apartment is looking far less college-dorm after the homecoming game kegger, and more homey with that fifties aesthetic flair. Hey! I have only been here for six months. A decorator would tell me I have to update. Decorator: This place is so negatively eclectic 50s. Dear, you really must drag yourself, albeit kicking and screaming, into the 21st century. Me: You don't like my current decor? Decorator: Decor? No one EV...

I am in Virginia. Virginia is for lovers... well, uh, maybe. The jury is still out on that one. Carry me back to old Virginnie... OK. That one is possible because Virginia just celebrated it's 400th year of being a permanent British settlement. Also, everytime someone asks me for my Driver's Lilcense and I show them the one from Florida, I get the same question: Why did you move HERE from FLORIDA, ferpetessake? No good answers to that question. (Read Above) The one that is most prominent in my mind about my move to Virginia is... Well, it's certainly not for the weather. Winter is freaking cold. I have been bundled up since around the end of October and I don't see this ending in the near future. It is so cold, I don't have to dis-robe when I have a hot flash while shopping at mall. Shopping! That's what I wanted to talk about. I have been shopping for winter clothes and all the new stuff had to find a home in my closet. So, I started moving out the really cool ...

I write a lot. I get paid to write. Here is a recently published article I wrote. Check it out! Employees Benefit from Seated Chair Massage

While on the phone with my friend: Me: I hear someone's car alarm going off. Him: That's annoying. Me: In this neighborhood, probably someone is stealing a car. (looking out of the window) Wait! Where's my car?

I bought a bag of GoldFish crackers... those cute little golden colored crackers that are so tasty and when I opened the bag, I was in for a shock. Some has been screwing around with my goldfish crackers, that I might add, I gave to my granddaughter The Divine Miss M and they became and INSTANT FAVORITE. "OH my GOD! It's full of STARS!"

I heard a news report on the radio as I drove into work yesterday about how iPod users are being mugged more and more often. Not only do the muggers take money from the person, they take the iPod as well. Evidently, the iPod is a new status symbol of wealth and/or prosperity and the average mugger takes that as a sign that the iPod user has more money than the average person. Personally, if I were a mugger, I would think the iPod user probably just bought an iPod instead of paying the rent.  I could be wrong, but I would never take that as an outward sign of wealth.  For my part, I would be looking for Pierre Cardin Driving Boots. I realize it is incredibly easy to mug an iPod user as they obliviously stroll along the street. All one has to do is to stick their foot out and DOWN the iPod user goes. (Please understand, I am not trying to give any would-be muggers any ideas, here.) Once the iPod user is on the sidewalk, then the assailant can proceed with the theft. As a theft deterrent ...

When my children were younger, there was always an argument as to who go to sit in the front passenger seat of the car if we were going someplace. I never found a workable solution until today. I wish I had these rules about twenty-five years ago, but I will post them now for anyone with children, gradnchildren, friends, and a car. THE SHOTGUN RULES version 1.1 The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding. Section I The Basic Rules 1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call. 2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle. 3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only appl...