My Life Didn't Turn Out Like I Planned

When I was much younger, say around 11, I had a distinct idea of what adulthood would be like. I had a whole list of things I would be able to do as an adult that were forbidden me as a child.

Ferinstance:

Drink Coffee: At some point in my tender young life, it occurred to me that adults drink coffee all the time. I never realized my parents refusing to allow me this decadent luxury was the result of them not wanting me to get hyper and bounce off the walls all day long. My paternal units preferred quiet serenity. Once I was allowed to drink coffee, which happened sometime around high school graduation, I was hopelessly addicted and a slave ever since. OK. The coffee thing DID turn out as I expected.

Become a Nurse: What better way to tie down a Doctor Meal Ticket?

Marry a Doctor: If you marry a doctor, you will never have to worry about money. You will be taken care of. I didn't marry a doctor because very early in my attempt to become a nurse, I realized that I lack the compassionate, nurturing nature required to care for others in times of illness. I am compassionate from a distance, but if I get close to someone who is bleeding and yucky, I get sick, too. Most people don't want their nurse to be barfing all over them.

Get Married in Paris: I imagined a glorious white dress with a train about a mile long as I strolled down the Avenue des Champs-Élysées in Paris, with a handsome prince on my arm, a full orchestra playing the Wedding March by Mendleson. Well, I got married, but it wasn't even close to Paris. Try Folkston, GA, where you can show up and, get hitched and leave all before lunch. It's like the Las Vegas of the South East.

Quit Smoking: I did that. But, I had to start smoking first. I did that. Not one of my better adult aspirations. But as a child, on those cold winter mornings when our breath would come out in white clouds, I used to pretend I was smoking. It is probably the healthiest way to do it.

Wear pantyhose: Why I ever thought THAT was a good idea is beyond me.

Have Cocktails at 5: I think I got the idea from a movie that all the chic people did this. Along with smoking, of course. Somehow, I escaped being an alcoholic who smokes three packs a day. (60 cigarettes)

Shave my legs: Why I ever thought that was a good idea is beyond me. The price of beauty. Fortunately, I am one of the most non-hairy people on the earth and I have a total of about 10 or 12 hairs on each leg that must be dealt with. Plucking is almost quicker than shaving. I rarely bother with either one, these days.

Dress up and wear a hat to go shopping: Now, there is an idea! Not a good one. Because living in Florida made the whole 'wearing a hat' thing ludicrous and no one dresses up in their best chic suit to go shopping. But, I imagined shopping in Macy's in Downtown New York, with a white tailored dress, black high heels, a shiny wide black belt, black clutch purse, and a black and white hat. It was oh-so-Audrey-Hepburn. Of course, when I became an adult, I didn't look or act anything like Audrey and few people dressed for shopping. Now, Macy's has popped up in every mall in the whole country. The thrill is gone.

Travel from Istanbul to Paris on the Orient Express: I haven't done that yet, but there is still time.

Play Bridge: My parents played Bridge all the time, but for Bridge, you have to have three other people. My first adult companion, my ex-hubby, didn't know who to play Bridge and had no interest in learning. Not only did I need a fourth for Bridge, I needed a second and third. I did learn how to play Bridge and I enjoyed it, by the way. But, I still need a fourth and a second and third.

Go to the Moon: I haven't done that, either, but there is still time for that, too.

Marry Charlton Heston: Other than the fact he was already happily married, it wouldn't have worked out. He is older than me. He is older than my Dad. And yes, winter/spring relationships do work, as I grew older, I realized that our ideas and political leanings are totally different. So many arguments over Gun Control. But, I am still a loyal fan and I still adore movies that star Charlton Heston. I have seen Ben-Hur about 47 times.

Live in a grand old Victorian Era house: A good idea until I realized how long it would take to CLEAN a grand old Victorian House.