On Many Subjects

First, they tell us to work faster, then the database we work from is shut down, successfully preventing us from working at all.

CoWorker: OHMYGOD! THERE IS A HUGE SPIDER ON MY CHAIR. Me: A WHAT? CW: A spider. A HUGE spider. Me: I am not coming into your office for any reason until you get rid of your cheesy visitor. CW: I need to use your phone so I can call a man. Me: Who would that be? CW: Pete is closet. She makes the call and summons the man. Pete: What's up? CW: A spider in my chair. Pete: What? You hire a new employee? CW: Very funny. Kill it. Pete: He is hairy. Me: It is confirmed. It IS my ex-husand. Pete: So, do you mind if I kick his ass? Me: Not at all. A moment of silence, then: CW: OHMYGOD! He squished it. Pete: I thought that's what you wanted. CW: But, I have spider guts on my chair. Pete: Well, get a paper towel and clean it off. CW: No way! I am not touching that. Pete leaves and returns with a paper towel. Pete: Ok. Your chair is clean. CW: Thank you. Me: My hero! They will make a comic book series based on you. Pete: They already did. It is called Spider Man.

College Admission's Representative: You know it is a tragedy when a student drops. I mean that student is loosing out on the greatest opportunity of their life. They are loosing out on a chance to totally better themselves. So, a student drops and I get an email from you with an exclamation point on it. It is tragic when a student drops. It is not an exclamation point moment. Me: OK. I understand, now. AR: No more exclamation points on emails when a student drops. That is a new rule. Add a sad smiley or something. Just no more exclamation points. Me: I told you, I understand. It is a sad, sad day when a student drops because you loose your commission. AR: That's right. Like I said. It is not an exclamation point moment.

A big part of starting college is taking a giant step into adulthood. It is putting away childish ideas and notions and learning to fin for ones self. Students who are right out of high school find this process very daunting and they often bring their poarents with them to this first giant step, lest they falter and fall on their pouty little faces. This is not bad because most of the time, the parents have to sign for loans or make arrangements for other financing. Any student over 24 is considered independent and able to stand on their own two feet. Which brings me to my rant. I had a guest yesterday who came to the office to make arrangments for his financial aid. He came by him self, which is a step in the right direction. He was too old to have his parents sign for anything anyway, meaning he was over twenty-four. So, the first thing he did was ask for a cup of coffee because, bad finanacial aid lady that I am, I MADE him get up early to come to the office to sign papers. ...

Filed under the category of "The Odder By-ways of the American English Language": I know, right? has become the new catch-all phrase if someone agrees with something. A friend may say to you, "That dress you are wearing is the most hideously ugly thing on this planet," and it has become fashionable to respond with, "I know, right?" or "Zombies will eat your face," "I know, right?" This phrase has moved into suprising circles. A college professor at the school where I work was caught (by mne) saying that very thing. Professor 1: It is going to rain today. Professor 2: I know, right? Me: It is raining already. Professors 1 & 2: I know, right? These are the same people who taught their students that using a double negative in a sentence was wrong. "It is never not going to rain," means the same thing as "It is going to rain." These are the same people who taught their students that using two positives in a ...

The Culinary Institute has a standard dress code. If the students are in the kitchen, they wear Chef's clothes: The black and white tweedy pants, the chef's jumper, a snood for their heads. (They get the chef's hat when they graduate.) They have inspections daily, checking for clean wrinkle-free uniforms, clean fingernails, clean black shoes. If they are in an acedemic class, the men wear black pants, white shirt and tie. The women wear black dress pants and a white blouse. It is a very neat school from a dress code point of view. All that so I can tell you about a girl who came in to sign up for classes. She had on a sundress that was VERY low cut and no bra and lots and lots of cleavage. I mean, she was practically naked from the waist up. I began helping her fill out her papers and was continally hit in the eye by this girl's rather well-endowed chest. Now, I don't normally go around looking at girl's boobs, but really. They were so out there. I would glance ...

I get to strike out on my own, gently guiding over-eager youngsters into financial ruin. We use words like 35 THOUSAND DOLLARS and they reply with, "Like, how many iPods is that?" Then, we have to resuscitate the parents who have just fallen on the floor, eyes glazed over and salivating while mumbling to themselves, "My first house didn't cost that much." I call the school nurse, "We need oxygen in here." Then, the threats start. Mom or Dad begin by saying to the new student, "If you make anything less than an A on everything, I will repossess your freaking braces... retroactively." Ouch! Well, you really don't need your teeth to cook, I supposed, but knocking the kid's teeth out will ruin their chances to star on Top Chef or the Next Food Channel Star, or something. That's what they all want: A chance to shove Rachel Ray off the pedestal. So, they sign up for culinary school and discover that they have to work at it beca...

My new job is interesting, to say the least. Very interesting characters here. Last Monday, upon seeing my iPod Shuffle earbuds in my ears as I walked into work, the Student Director, a very British Chef asks: BC: Are you enjoying your rock music. Me: It's not rock. BC: Who then? Me: Vivaldi BC: Summer? Me: Spring. Tuesday: BC: Vivaldi? Me: Dvorak BC: Slavonic Dances? Me: Carnival Overture Wednesday: BC: Who? Me: Prokofiev BC: Peter and the Wolf? Me: Romeo and Juliet Thursday: BC: More Romeo and Juliet? Me: Copeland. BC: Hoedown? Me: Appalachian Spring I didn't see him on Friday, however, this Monday: BC: Who today? Me: Back to Prokofiev BC: More Romeo and Juliet Me: Of course Tuesday: BC: Prokofiev? Me: Saint Saens BC: Oh dear, Danse Macabre? Me: Organ Symphony Wednesday: BC: Prokofiev? Vivaldi? Me: Queen BC: Bohemian Rhapsody? Me: Princes of the Universe BC: I KNEW you liked rock music. ME: But, it Classic Rock BC: So it is. There is hope for you.

I have been grossly neglecting my blog because I have been on a massive job search. Having found the new job, I am ready to get back to the serious business of humor blogging. While looking for a new job--what an eye-opening experience that was, I discovered many things, such as what THEY say in their ads and what THEY are really looking for. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. WORK IN A YOUNG INDUSTRY: You'll be the oldest person there and your supervisor will be at about 16. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone...

Something weird is happening at work. The phone rings, I pick it up with my normal cheerful speil designed to get people to respond and I heard nothing. So, I repeat myself. Me: Good Morning! This is SUPER HIGH TECH WEB DESIGN COMPANY. How can I help you? Caller:..... Me: Good Morning! This is SUPER HIGH TECH WEB DESIGN COMPANY. How can I help you? Caller:..... Then, I hang up after listening to a protracted silence because nobody says anything. I know the phones are working because get plenty of calls from people who actually say stuff, but this is ridiculous. At least 8 or 10 times every day I get a call from NOTHING. Coworker #3: No one is on the phone. What's up with that? Me: I dunno. I happens a lot. C3: Maybe it is a wrong number. Me: 10 times a day? C3: Maybe they have a bad connection Me: 10 times a day? C3: Maybe it is aliens who are trying to make first contact. Me: Oh, yeah, right. If I were an alien trying to make first contact with the human race,...

Me: I am not going to work today. Digitaljon: Why not? Me: I don't want to. DJ: That's it? Me: Yes. That's it. I am not going to work today. DJ: Ok Me: I really mean it. DJ: Ok ME: I am not kidding. DJ: I didn't think you were. Me: I am totally staying home, today. DJ: You said that. Me: I know I have said this before and went to work anyway, but I really mean it today. DJ: I know you do. Me: No. I REALLY REALLY mean it. DJ: All right. Me: I am very serious. DJ: I would be surprised if you weren't Me: I am not going and that is final! DJ: Ok. Me: Final! I am not going to work! DJ: Where are you going now? Me: I need to take a shower because I have to get ready for work. DJ: You are making me crazy.

I get really passionate about some things and then I have to spend a few minutes discussing it here in blog-ville. I have a very important job where I work... I do Search Engine Optimization, which means I get to write articles and I get to blog at work. So very cool. Every now and then, in between blogging about steel building construction, and water fowl on the Outer Banks, I can slip in my own blog where I can have some FUN. Well, not this week because I was too busy for that sort of trivial nonsense. But, I digress. Also part of my job is answering the phone. I wasn't hired as a receptionist/gatekeeper. I feel into the job because of my charming personality, my ability to make GOOD coffee, (I think the guys at work screw it up on purpose so I will continue to make fabulous coffee. Did I mention I am the only girl there?) and the fact that I have a charming phone voice, and excellent social skills. Being a SUPER HIGH TECH WEB DESIGN company that designs websites for the r...