On Many Subjects

This is the funniest thing I have read recently and it is extremely valuable information, as in, I wish I had known about this when I was a teenager. Or even better, I wish I had known this when my kids were teenagers. How to argue effectively By Dave Barry And not by Stuart J. Williams, Attorney at Law I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: Drink liquor. Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruv...

As cold as it is outside, I am surprised that not all the spiders have frozen to death. On the other hand, they have decided that my nice warm apartment may be a good place to wait out the cold spell. It was BIG. It was HUGE. It was about the size of my shoe. I know that because I hurled the shoe across the room, ricocheted off the door and fell on top of the intruder. My cats, thinking I was playing with them, ran over to the shoe, which missed the spider, by the way, and proceeded to treat it like a new kitty toy, happily chasing it and playing soccer with it. Fortunately, the spider's mortal remains were in the middle of the kitchen floor when I went in to make coffee this morning and I was left to wonder why my carnivorous predators did not eat the darn thing. I say "fortunately" because the spider was dead, not because I had to clean up the carcass.

Okay, so I moved into my new apartment on Saturday and the Internet was supposed to be turned on by the time I got there. Guess what? No Internet. I called the Cable Company to tell them that I had no signal, which meant no Internet and no TV and they said they would send the guy over on Monday. I spent my lunch break with Cable Guy. He shows up and I SWEAR his butt crack was showing as he bent over to investigate the problem to my cable. Every time he bent over, I saw more than I wanted to. But, he did fix the cable. Sidebar: Showing one's butt crack is probably the least classy thing there is. Or so I thought. Then, this: Cable Guy: I am going to give you my card. Call me if you have any problems. Me: I thought I had to call the cable company, first. CG: No. You can call me for anything. Me:..... CG: I mean, if you need a man for anything, at all. I don;t have a girlfriend right now. Me: What makes you think I need a man? CG: I'm just saying. Me: Thank you. CG: I mean it. You...