On Many Subjects

A big part of starting college is taking a giant step into adulthood. It is putting away childish ideas and notions and learning to fin for ones self. Students who are right out of high school find this process very daunting and they often bring their poarents with them to this first giant step, lest they falter and fall on their pouty little faces. This is not bad because most of the time, the parents have to sign for loans or make arrangements for other financing. Any student over 24 is considered independent and able to stand on their own two feet. Which brings me to my rant. I had a guest yesterday who came to the office to make arrangments for his financial aid. He came by him self, which is a step in the right direction. He was too old to have his parents sign for anything anyway, meaning he was over twenty-four. So, the first thing he did was ask for a cup of coffee because, bad finanacial aid lady that I am, I MADE him get up early to come to the office to sign papers. ...

Filed under the category of "The Odder By-ways of the American English Language": I know, right? has become the new catch-all phrase if someone agrees with something. A friend may say to you, "That dress you are wearing is the most hideously ugly thing on this planet," and it has become fashionable to respond with, "I know, right?" or "Zombies will eat your face," "I know, right?" This phrase has moved into suprising circles. A college professor at the school where I work was caught (by mne) saying that very thing. Professor 1: It is going to rain today. Professor 2: I know, right? Me: It is raining already. Professors 1 & 2: I know, right? These are the same people who taught their students that using a double negative in a sentence was wrong. "It is never not going to rain," means the same thing as "It is going to rain." These are the same people who taught their students that using two positives in a ...

The Culinary Institute has a standard dress code. If the students are in the kitchen, they wear Chef's clothes: The black and white tweedy pants, the chef's jumper, a snood for their heads. (They get the chef's hat when they graduate.) They have inspections daily, checking for clean wrinkle-free uniforms, clean fingernails, clean black shoes. If they are in an acedemic class, the men wear black pants, white shirt and tie. The women wear black dress pants and a white blouse. It is a very neat school from a dress code point of view. All that so I can tell you about a girl who came in to sign up for classes. She had on a sundress that was VERY low cut and no bra and lots and lots of cleavage. I mean, she was practically naked from the waist up. I began helping her fill out her papers and was continally hit in the eye by this girl's rather well-endowed chest. Now, I don't normally go around looking at girl's boobs, but really. They were so out there. I would glance ...

Ever have one of those days where an old flame calls you on the phone after you haven't heard anything from him in two years or more and he chats about this and that, inquiring about your job, your love life, your family? You know, "How's your mom and dad doing? Where are your kids? You still in school? How is your cat?" Oh Hell, NO! he did not play the cat card. Asking about my cat is supposed to soften me up for the kill. Then, this happened: Him: So, you have your own place? Me: Yes. It is in Virginia, not Florida. Him: Virginia is nice. I drove through there a last weekend. Me: Going where? Him: I was visiting DC. I would like to live near DC. Me: I don't live near DC. It is like 4 hours or maybe 10 hours away. Him: So, you have a pull-out sofa? Me: No. I have a futon. HIm: That's OK. Futons are nice to sleep on. Me: Wait a cotton-pickin' minute. What are you asking? Him: Well, I need a place to stay for a while. Me: Why? What is wrong with your place?...

I get to strike out on my own, gently guiding over-eager youngsters into financial ruin. We use words like 35 THOUSAND DOLLARS and they reply with, "Like, how many iPods is that?" Then, we have to resuscitate the parents who have just fallen on the floor, eyes glazed over and salivating while mumbling to themselves, "My first house didn't cost that much." I call the school nurse, "We need oxygen in here." Then, the threats start. Mom or Dad begin by saying to the new student, "If you make anything less than an A on everything, I will repossess your freaking braces... retroactively." Ouch! Well, you really don't need your teeth to cook, I supposed, but knocking the kid's teeth out will ruin their chances to star on Top Chef or the Next Food Channel Star, or something. That's what they all want: A chance to shove Rachel Ray off the pedestal. So, they sign up for culinary school and discover that they have to work at it beca...

My new job is interesting, to say the least. Very interesting characters here. Last Monday, upon seeing my iPod Shuffle earbuds in my ears as I walked into work, the Student Director, a very British Chef asks: BC: Are you enjoying your rock music. Me: It's not rock. BC: Who then? Me: Vivaldi BC: Summer? Me: Spring. Tuesday: BC: Vivaldi? Me: Dvorak BC: Slavonic Dances? Me: Carnival Overture Wednesday: BC: Who? Me: Prokofiev BC: Peter and the Wolf? Me: Romeo and Juliet Thursday: BC: More Romeo and Juliet? Me: Copeland. BC: Hoedown? Me: Appalachian Spring I didn't see him on Friday, however, this Monday: BC: Who today? Me: Back to Prokofiev BC: More Romeo and Juliet Me: Of course Tuesday: BC: Prokofiev? Me: Saint Saens BC: Oh dear, Danse Macabre? Me: Organ Symphony Wednesday: BC: Prokofiev? Vivaldi? Me: Queen BC: Bohemian Rhapsody? Me: Princes of the Universe BC: I KNEW you liked rock music. ME: But, it Classic Rock BC: So it is. There is hope for you.

I don't sit around my apartment for hours on end trying to think up ways to make money, but every now and then an idea hits me that is absolutely brilliant. To wit: I am thinking of starting an escort service. NO! Not THAT kind of escort service, you know where you pay some drop dead gorgeous person of the opposite sex to hang out with you to impress others, like ex-spouses or ex-lovers or your current boss. I am talking about a service that accompanies your kids on their dates. Let me clarify. You would, in essence, as a devoted parent, pay a person to watch/chaperone or otherwise spy on your kids while they are on their date. RATES: $20 an hour -- follow from a discreet distance $25 an hour -- follow from a discreet distance and take pictures with a camera phone $30 an hour -- act like a long lost relative, interupt the date during dinner and hang out with them for the rest of the eveing. $35 an hour -- while acting like a relative, spill something awful on the girl's cl...

My mother, my ex-husband and me agree on the same thing at the same time.

My new job is going well. It is so nice to be in a place where your employers really want you to be there. The service performed is invaluable to the school: Helping students arrange for financing so they can pursue their dreams of landing a job on the Food Network. I am getting my own office this week. I have seen it. It is shiny and new and never been used. I am already breaking in a brand new, never before used computer. Also, my deskin my new office is right under a sky-light. It will be Friday before it is wired in so I can move there. (Jumping up and down and clapping my hands: Oh goody, goody, goody!) The novel I have written is nearly ready to go to a publisher. Never give up! What a cool way to make money. Working in a culinary institute will prove interesting because most of the instructors are CHEFS... oh, the possibilities. Heard from a friend(?) who says that he doesn't want anyone to know that I know him, referring to his on-line presence on Facebook and MySpace. OK. ...

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. My mother would make me remake the bed after I did it because there was wrinkle in the spread or the blanket was on crooked. I slept in an unmade last night and survived. I even slept well. And No, I didn't start a blog just to make my mom cry. But, some lessons don't go away. I made my bed this morning.

The Virginia Pilot recently enacted some new laws and removed some old ones from the law books. There are still some on the books, that are, well, funny AND weird! For example: In many counties, no one may be a professional fortuneteller, and if one wishes to pursue the practice as an amateur, it must be practiced in a school or church. (I guess having faith isn't enough) You may not engage in business on Sundays, with the exception of almost every industry. (Which ones are NOT included?) If one is not married, it is illegal for one to have sexual relations. (That is valuable information.) No animal may be hunted on Sundays with the exception of raccoons, which may be hunted until 2 a.m. (What have they got against racoons?) I am just getting started, here: No person may keep a skunk as a pet. (Good!) It is illegal to cuss about another. (Not too many people on the interstate or in front of my apartment listen to that one.) It is illegal to park a car on railroad tracks. (I glad th...

I have been grossly neglecting my blog because I have been on a massive job search. Having found the new job, I am ready to get back to the serious business of humor blogging. While looking for a new job--what an eye-opening experience that was, I discovered many things, such as what THEY say in their ads and what THEY are really looking for. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. WORK IN A YOUNG INDUSTRY: You'll be the oldest person there and your supervisor will be at about 16. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone...