On Many Subjects

How can anyone be funny when they are facing being laid off, eviction, breaking up with their boyfriend and ultimate starvation. Granted, the starvation part may take a little time simply because I have put on weight recently and now closely resemble a... hmmmm... I was going to say whale, but maybe walrus is a better term. At any rate, I went to the beach (actually the shores of Chesapeake Bay) and overheard the following conversation between a Jamaican lady and her two children. Oldest child (about age 8): Can I cover my brother with sand? Mom: No. So, the little 3 year old remained un-buried. I was happy about that on many levels.

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. ‘Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,’ she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’ A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.. Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’ NOW I ASK YOU - IS TH...

Him: At the Gloucester City Council meeting, last night a guy got up and said, "I don't know why anyone would want to live in New Jersey. Me: Why did he say that? Him: He was talking about crime, education, everything else. And do you know who he was? Me: Tell me. I am breathless with anticipation. Him: The Mayor. Me: ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) Him: I am serious. The Mayor said that. Me: That is why it is funny.

My visit to the office was two-fold. Of course, I had to pay the monthly vig to the apartment complex owners, but I also went there to complain about my window screens. OK. To be more accurate, to complain because I have NO window screens on my windows. This is not a new problem. I have had no window screens since I moved in 'way back in July. Me: I still don't have screens on my windows. Apartment Complex Manager: I will fill out a work order. Me: You have filled out a work order for window screens every month since July. That is the month I moved in, you know. ACM: Well, this time we will get it fixed. Me: You said that last month. ACM: I really mean it, this time. Me: Of course you do. ACM: See? I am filling out the work order now. Me: Which you will throw in the trash as soon as I walk out of the room. ACM: We don't throw them away. ME: Whatever. Listen, it is not for me that I want screens on my windows. It is for the environment. ACM: Excuse me? Me: I want to do my pa...

Filed under the classification of sometimes-a-kid-just-has-to-talk-to-their-mommy: I get a call from my #1 daughter. #1: So, you are still in Virginia? Me: Yep. #1: When are you coming back to Florida? Me: To visit? #1: No, NOT to visit. To Live. Me: I dunno... why? #1: Then we could hang out together. Me: Yes, we could. #1: I miss that, you know. Me: I miss hanging out with you, too. #1: I want you to move back to Florida Me: Why? #1: I have a toothache Me: And what am I supposed to do about it. #1: Well, I don't know. Me: Did you call a dentist? #1: I went to see a dentist. He gave me a bunch of pain killers and told me my wisdom tooth is impacted and it has to come out. Me: I can see why you tooth hurts, then... #1: No. It doesn't really hurt, yet, but it will when the dentist pulls it and I have a great big hole in my mouth. Me: So you called me because you anticipate a toothache? #1: Yes. Me: Whoever thought that parenting adult children would be easy. #1: So, can you move...