Waxing Poetic
The first time it happened, I was pretty okay with it. What? you are wondering about now. OK. Let me back up. There are some girly things I do for myself just because I enjoy them. One is getting a manicure about once every two weeks and the other is getting my eyebrows waxed. The manicure removes/hides the ridges on my fingernails and I love the way nail polish looks when I watch my fingers while typing on the keyboard. Yes, I KNOW you aren't supposed to look at the keys when you are typing, but, Hey! It happens.
Getting my eyebrows waxed is a necessity or I begin to look like Brooke Shields and Groucho Marx's love child. And I only have one eyebrow and the uni-brow look is so Neanderthal. So, I get my eyebrows waxed at the same place I get my manicure.
While getting my eyebrows done a couple of days ago, a Korean lady shouts to me in a voice loud enough to attract the attention of the little deaf lady who lives at least a mile away, "YOU WANT YOU LIP WAXED, TOO?"
What? My lip?
Everyone in the room turns to look at my upper lip. No, look is too soft a word. They STARE at my upper lip, not a soul breathing while they wait to hear my answer.
The first time it happened was about five years ago when I was getting my eyebrows waxed at a salon in Ocala, Florida and Gayle asked me if I wanted my lip waxed at the same time. Uh, Not!
Then, I went home and questioned #1 (my daughter):
Me: Is my lip hairy? Gayle said I needed my lip waxed. Is it hairy enough for waxing?
#1: I don't know the right answer.
Me: There is no right answer. It is an opinion quesiton. In your opinion, is my lip hairy?
#1: Well, you ARE a mammal and mammals have hair on their bodies.
Me: (In a panicked tone) Answer the question!
#1: No, you don't have a hairy enough lip to consider waxing.
Me: Are you sure?
#1: Your lip is less hairy than mine, and I don't get mine waxed.
Me: OK. If you are SURE.
#1: Are you going to keep up this paranoid behavior for very long?
The hairy-lip panic died down and I didn't think much about it for nearly five years. Then, the Korean lady yells at me that I need my lip waxed in front of several perfect strangers. It is an abject fear of having hot wax put on my upper lip and then ripped away as I scream in agony. The eyebrows hurt enough. The lip would be extraordinarily painful. I think. Because I didn't accept the Korean Lady's offer to wax my lip, I don't know for certain.
I raced home with my cold weather scarf wrapped around my face to hide my highly visible moustache. Then, I spot my neighbor, Lionel and I interrogate him. "My lip. Look at it."
Li: Oh God, do I have to?
Me: Is it hairy?
Li: Well, you are a mammal and mammals have hair on their bodies.
Me: (grabbing his shirt collar) Does THIS mammal have an astronomical amount of hair on her upper lip?
Li: I don't know the right answer.
Me: Fat lot of help you are. Never mind.
I go inside and look in the bathroom mirror. Yes, there is hair on my lip, the same amount that I have had for years. Still...
I pick up the phone and call #1.
Me: Do I have a hairy lip?
#1: Not this, again.
Me: I sent you a picture of my lip that I took with my camera phone.
#1: That was your upper lip? I thought it was your right knee or maybe a mixing bowl.
Me: Very funny.
#1: No, really.
Me: Does it have hair on it?
#1: Well, you are a mammal...
Me: Don't start. This is a crisis.
#1: You have some serious issues.
Me: I know. I have a hairy lip.
#1: The lady was trying to sell you her services. She appealed to your vanity.
Me: Vain? Me?
#1: Yes. Now, I have to get ready for a date. Don't worry about your lip. There is NO hair on your lip.
Me: You are partonizing me, aren't you?
#1: I'm hanging up, now.
Me: Okay. I am going to send the picture of my lip to everyone I know.
#1: Make sure you tell them it is your upper lip and not your knee.
Me: You must be one of those funny daughters.
#1: Not really. You are a lousy photographer.
So, I still don't know if I have a hairy lip or not.
This is the stuff of nightmares.
Getting my eyebrows waxed is a necessity or I begin to look like Brooke Shields and Groucho Marx's love child. And I only have one eyebrow and the uni-brow look is so Neanderthal. So, I get my eyebrows waxed at the same place I get my manicure.
While getting my eyebrows done a couple of days ago, a Korean lady shouts to me in a voice loud enough to attract the attention of the little deaf lady who lives at least a mile away, "YOU WANT YOU LIP WAXED, TOO?"
What? My lip?
Everyone in the room turns to look at my upper lip. No, look is too soft a word. They STARE at my upper lip, not a soul breathing while they wait to hear my answer.
The first time it happened was about five years ago when I was getting my eyebrows waxed at a salon in Ocala, Florida and Gayle asked me if I wanted my lip waxed at the same time. Uh, Not!
Then, I went home and questioned #1 (my daughter):
Me: Is my lip hairy? Gayle said I needed my lip waxed. Is it hairy enough for waxing?
#1: I don't know the right answer.
Me: There is no right answer. It is an opinion quesiton. In your opinion, is my lip hairy?
#1: Well, you ARE a mammal and mammals have hair on their bodies.
Me: (In a panicked tone) Answer the question!
#1: No, you don't have a hairy enough lip to consider waxing.
Me: Are you sure?
#1: Your lip is less hairy than mine, and I don't get mine waxed.
Me: OK. If you are SURE.
#1: Are you going to keep up this paranoid behavior for very long?
The hairy-lip panic died down and I didn't think much about it for nearly five years. Then, the Korean lady yells at me that I need my lip waxed in front of several perfect strangers. It is an abject fear of having hot wax put on my upper lip and then ripped away as I scream in agony. The eyebrows hurt enough. The lip would be extraordinarily painful. I think. Because I didn't accept the Korean Lady's offer to wax my lip, I don't know for certain.
I raced home with my cold weather scarf wrapped around my face to hide my highly visible moustache. Then, I spot my neighbor, Lionel and I interrogate him. "My lip. Look at it."
Li: Oh God, do I have to?
Me: Is it hairy?
Li: Well, you are a mammal and mammals have hair on their bodies.
Me: (grabbing his shirt collar) Does THIS mammal have an astronomical amount of hair on her upper lip?
Li: I don't know the right answer.
Me: Fat lot of help you are. Never mind.
I go inside and look in the bathroom mirror. Yes, there is hair on my lip, the same amount that I have had for years. Still...
I pick up the phone and call #1.
Me: Do I have a hairy lip?
#1: Not this, again.
Me: I sent you a picture of my lip that I took with my camera phone.
#1: That was your upper lip? I thought it was your right knee or maybe a mixing bowl.
Me: Very funny.
#1: No, really.
Me: Does it have hair on it?
#1: Well, you are a mammal...
Me: Don't start. This is a crisis.
#1: You have some serious issues.
Me: I know. I have a hairy lip.
#1: The lady was trying to sell you her services. She appealed to your vanity.
Me: Vain? Me?
#1: Yes. Now, I have to get ready for a date. Don't worry about your lip. There is NO hair on your lip.
Me: You are partonizing me, aren't you?
#1: I'm hanging up, now.
Me: Okay. I am going to send the picture of my lip to everyone I know.
#1: Make sure you tell them it is your upper lip and not your knee.
Me: You must be one of those funny daughters.
#1: Not really. You are a lousy photographer.
So, I still don't know if I have a hairy lip or not.
This is the stuff of nightmares.
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